I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
