nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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