A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Drunk walkin through police station. America
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I am available for nakedness
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
