Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
