new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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