Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
