Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
