if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
