dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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