fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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