I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
