So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This baby is an asshole
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
