how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
