piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
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so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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