she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
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