I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just google imaged poop.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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