You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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