There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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