one might say we're banned from that church
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
