If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
