I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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