vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
