Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
