There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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