So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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