i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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