Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
