dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
