Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
