Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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