I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
