i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
