yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
