I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
