Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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