I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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