I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
