Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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