So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
