Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just forgot I was standing up.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
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