So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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