Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
