That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
