I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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