Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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