Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
