I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
