Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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