so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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