She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
