bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
