Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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