I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
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I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
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Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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