Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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