I need help removing her.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
