If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
