he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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