I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
